His Banner Over Me Is Love

To you, about just now

At this point, I don’t quite understand what’s going on, is it so hard to understand me?

In short, I am at my limits. I have reached a point of “uncomfortable” in terms of giving and giving in to you, it’s not that I’m burnt out, and I’m empty or dry, I just felt that this is just as far as I could go, stretched thin, beyond what I had wanted or desired in a relationship. To you, this may not make sense, maybe your response is “give what? what have you given me? I don’t think it’s a big deal at all”, but to me, it is a great deal and I hope you do not take it for granted. Or, maybe to you, I am being selfish and self-centered or one-sided, but on my end, I have tried, to step out in faith to love you beyond me, but in the context of what had been happening, I just can’t anymore. Again, it is not that I am dry or unable to trust Him to stretch me more, I am just not comfortable anymore…

Please don’t misunderstand me and interpret that I’m saying that it is all your fault and only you should change. I pray you see this in the context, that I’ve been trying, I am human, and I have reached the limits of what I am comfortable giving in this relationship.

I’m sorry if this upsets you. But I don’t know how else to say it.

(It’s not that I’m unwilling to along Him to stretch me and enlarge my heart and capacity to love, I want to, okay. If things are still gonna continue between us, I’d like to trust Him for that too. But for now, there’re other things I need to know from you before I can even move on in this relationship—)

But right now, at this point, I am feeling max-ed. And here and now, if you’re willing to come meet me where I am, (I don’t need promises or instant change, all I really wanted was to know that on top of returning to your First Love, you are willing to grow and change to be the man He wants you to be for me and the man of I desire), I am willing to put these behind me, to wait and to continue trusting Him in this relationship. But if you’re unwilling, or you still require me to come meet you in middle ground, I am afraid I can’t right now. (Again, don’t be upset, please read this in context, paragraph 3) It’s not that I don’t love you, I do, Justin, but I just don’t feel comfortable anymore…

There is no right or wrong to this, it is just how I feel, where I am and what’s in my thoughts and heart now. It’s like how sometimes, a girlfriend can say to her boyfriend, I just need you to hold me now and everything will be alright, and now, for me this is just what I need to know from you. And you can take your time, because more than anything, I desire an answer from your heart.  

You may be thinking that this sounds very conditional, well, I am being real with you with all that I am now. I am not a selfless-grace-robot, I am human, with flesh and blood, desires and choices.

It is not that difficult to understand, if you were to step out of yourself, stop rationalizing for a moment and use your heart and spirit to feel and discern my heart and my state of being, you will know even if you don’t comprehend all of this mentally. Please love me from your heart, and not your mind..

And, I’m sorry to have to write this, I’m sorry that we’ve landed in such a state, but I love you, from the bottom of my heart. Even if this is as far as we can walk, I love you still.